I pinched at my hips, as I waited for the water to warm before getting in the shower. I studied my waist and turned to the side. Yesterday, my 8-year-old said I looked taller. I told her maybe I looked skinnier. The 15 pounds (yes fifteen. 1-5. You read that correctly) I gained after I broke my leg were slowly melting off, but not fast enough to my liking. I turned to the other side. The mirror at the gym doesn't give as good as an impression, I thought. I wondered which mirror was correct. The YMCA, where I looked short and stumpy or mine where I looked slender and smooth. Then suddenly I was hit with the answer. The only mirror that matter's is God's mirror. What does God see when he looks at me?
He sees stretch marks from birthing five babies. He sees breasts that have nurished these same children for their first year of life. He sees someone that worked so hard to over depression and anxiety. He sees a person who's feet are calloused because she runs using the body He gave her. He sees a body that has been injured than healed a thousand times. He sees infinite potential. He sees similar in all of us. To all of us He has given different talents and all He sees is how we use them.
I need to stop looking in the mirror and worrying about the extra inch I gained, that will come and go and multiply as I age. And start worrying about what He sees and strive to live up to it.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
Friday, April 1, 2016
The past few weeks have been a beast of emotions. I felt it was time to just put my book out there. Honestly, I have not tried very hard to publish the traditional way. Almost all the books I read now are independent authors or from smaller publishers. I think the world is changing the way it does things.
I am publishing my book independently.
This is kind of scary.
Feels like Scream is chasing me
and there's a tree root in the way.
Hopeful Release in Mid AprilBut still...I have tried. A few years ago, before a major rework of the material, I sent it out to many, many agents and did not get a single bite. I finished another book since then and started dozens more, testing my feel for different genres, but still Awakened: Legend of the Dagger wouldn't leave me. So now, five years after it's initial inception and countless drafts later, I have decided to release my baby. It is precious to me. I love the characters as if they were real. In fact, sometimes I have conversations with them as I do the dishes. And Gavin, oh Gavin, he is swoon worthy. He's my tattooed Gilbert Blythe who kills people.
Then there is that nagging feeling in the forefront of my mind that people won't like Gavin, that Eislen won't be as hardcore as I think she is, that the words will fall flat and people won't cry, or laugh, or scream, or feel anything at all.
I know not everybody is going to like my book. I don't expect them to, but I want someone to. I want someone to feel stronger because they met Eislen. I want them to fight hard for what they want because of Gavin. I want them to want to be nicer because they met Toby and they don't want to be like him.